So it’s the last bit of January, and you never made a resolution. That’s rather lazy of you. On the bright side, at this point it’s no longer a New Year’s resolution but a general goal of sorts, which means you have about a 98 percent greater chance of actually following through with it than your friends who, in the hazy early morning hours of Jan. 1, drunkenly swore to run a marathon by April. But things can always be improved on, especially when it comes to relationships. It’s hard enough functioning as a normal person without adding another to the equation, especially when they have things like “moods” and “feelings” and “emotions.” But if you are up to the challenge, there are a few last-minute resolutions you can declare to make the relationship you’re in a little bit stronger, no matter how many showings of Marley and Me you’re forced to sit through over the next three-hundred-some-odd days.

So, during what’s left of this year, you could resolve to…

1. Get out of that relationship you’re in but don’t really know why you’re in. Owen Wilson’s character in Midnight in Paris is whom you should not be; he’s stuck in a relationship with oh-so-bitchy Rachel McAdam’s character, who has enough sway in the whole thing to talk him into a $24,000 antique chair, something almost no normal thirty-something engaged couple could afford unless they’re secretly dealing cocaine out of the back of their Mercedes (#occupyantiquestore?). It’s pretty clear that there’s as much chemistry between them as there is between flour and water, and there is approximately zero chemistry there, as one of us found out in third grade when she didn’t have baking soda for her volcano. But it happens. You get comfortable with a girl, and not in the I’d-really-like-to-put-a-ring-on-it way, but in an empty, routine-y sort of way. Kind of like a hamster in one of those exercise wheel things; you get so focused on the running that you don’t really ask yourself what you’re running for. Don’t be a hamster on a wheeley thing. Be a man. And if it takes you more than three seconds to come up with why you’re with her, it’s probably time to call it quits. It took Owen time travel and a free-loving flapper. This is much easier.

2. Know your fine-dining place settings. Seriously. It can be challenging at first because any reasonable person can certainly see the logic in using a fork for more than one course (“By Jove, Jeeves, I’ve sullied the fork with my lettuce!”). But: no one likes to see a man fumble over a fork. Take her out to a nice dinner, and eat like you were born royal. There is nothing sexier than one who knows his way around a place setting.

3. Date outside of your type. As we well know from our dating history, vastly different experiences happen when you ditch the concept of type. Each beginning is kind of a new adventure of sorts because you never, ever know what to expect. So go for that barista with the dark frames or the girl with the intriguing tattoos at your favorite dive bar. If anything, it’ll be a story—you just don’t know what kind it will be.

4. Put the problems in perspective. So she hates your Dunkin’ Donuts roast, and you hate that $12/lb Columbian, certified organic, fair trade, hand-harvested, ground-using-mortar-and-pestle blend she buys. Kind of a drip, sure, but you’re never going to convert her, and the day you’re seen drinking Dunkin’ is the day you turn your iPhone off (do those actually turn off? like, have an off switch?). No matter what the pet peeves are, every couple has one or two or 87 of them, but it’s all about the importance you place on them that defines just how jarring they can be to your relationship. It’s like  A Serious Man; there was all this melodrama, but at the end, the tornado had the possibility of wiping out everything, and none of it would really have mattered. You should probably save the energy for that tornado if it ever appears on your radar.

So that leaves us to ask what resolutions have you made? Any ones to help you in the romance department? We’re dying to know!! Seriously, pieces of us are dying inside until we hear your stories.

Given that it’s a new year, it would be nice to think that humanity has indeed evolved to a level more advanced than they were less than a month ago. This is, in fact, impossible on a biological level, but in the mysterious culture of dating, 2012 brings in a new set of dating norms. Listen tech-heads and the socially awkward, we’re breaking it down for you.

1. Turn off and stow all electronic devices. On a flight back from Orlando yesterday, the now-outdated “Please turn off all electronic devices” was replaced with, “Please turn off all cell phones, iPods, laptops, mp3 players, iPads, tablets, Kindles, anything with an off button.” There should be no Kindles on a date. A ringing phone will indicate that there is something more important than her right now at this moment that is supposed to be shared between the two of you. Also, if you use said phone to log your hookup on that “I Just Had Sex” app, you’re a tool.

2. Be anti-social (media) for a few dates. Facebook: The third. You want to get to know her through conversation, not by reading her profile. You also want to avoid starting conversations with, “So, saw you checked in at Whole Foods—are those salmon fillets still on sale?” Additionally, it gives her time to evaluate you before letting her friends creep on you, because both of those things will inevitably happen. While you’re at it, untag those photos of you with your arm around your ex. If you’re seeing a new girl, it’s time to untag the ex (not that it wasn’t after the actual break up).

3. One drink before dinner. You’d like to keep your vocal cords lubricated. She’d like to do something other than stand while you wait for your table. A drink gives you something to do during pauses in a conversation and a place to put your hand, which should not be on her.

4. The greeting is crucial. Hugs are for men; kisses on the cheek are for men who know what they’re doing.

5. WWRGD = “What Would Ryan Gosling Do?” Also, your new motto.

6. Should your inherent charm and good looks get you so lucky as to get lucky with a woman whom you have known (in all respects, including Biblical) for one night, there is no need to take her out to breakfast (note the infinitive phrase).

Instead: If she is at your place, offer to make her breakfast, or, if the fire department has stopped answering calls from your building after ill-fated attempts at toast, see if she wants to order in. The gesture is casual, thoughtful and, for her, easy to wiggle out of, should there be any sort of awkwardness or deep-seated regret (sorry). You are a gentleman for offering, and a gentleman is precisely what you should be after enjoying her company. A breakfast out, on the other hand involves a decision on where to go (“You choose, I really don’t care where we go.” ”Well, I don’t know what’s around here.”), time spent making yourselves presentable, awkward moments with the bill and potentially terrible coffee.

6b. Whether she declines or accepts about breakfast, exchange phone numbers. This shows that you are not some sort of testosterone-driven, vainglorious, playboy cad. If you are, call your mother, tell her you love her, and then go volunteer at a soup kitchen.

7. Doggie bags are okay. You are not less of a man because you did not finish your 24-oz. porterhouse. That slab of meat could normally feed between four and six people. You are, in fact, more of one, because you did not make your date sit through 20 minutes of watching you chew cow muscle while she delivered a desperate monologue about her sister Tiffany’s themed baby shower because your incapacitated (rather, over-capacitated) mouth was too full to hold up the other end of the exchange. However, do not take a doggie bag and then insist on swinging by your apartment to “drop it off.” Don’t be that guy.

8. If you should find yourself at a club attempting to meet women with whom you’d possibly like to date later, one should be datable. This means if you are going to dance like you’re in “Saturday Night Fever,” don’t.

8b. Also, a hint: Don’t check a coat. Freeze like a man (not visibly), or wear something light enough to keep on inside. Should you be fortunate enough to pick up a lovely lady in the club, with whom you might, in eight hours’ time, be offering her the meal mentioned in No. 5, you don’t want to spend half an hour in the coat check line making small talk like this:

“SO, THIS SKRILLEX -”

“WHAT?”

“SKRILLEX -”

“YOUR EX?!”

“WHAT?”

Save the chat for the taxi. Take her hand and go.

9. You pay. It might be 2012, but some things just don’t change—especially for the first few dates. She’s wearing heels for you; your wallet’s a bit emptier for her. All that suffering on the other’s behalf is actually very romantic in a twisted Victorian Gothic sort of way.

A lot of people say Ryan Gosling took the title of “Man of the Year” for 2011. But here at Reel Sex we feel we are infallible predictors of everything and therefore declare with utmost and irrefutable certainty that he will also be the man of 2012. This is mostly because he cannot possibly be contained to one calendar year. He is, in ways that extend far beyond his melty smile, scruffy face, soft-spoken voice, ability to break up street fights, un-Photoshopped (and Photoshopped) abs, ability to wear tuxes, ability to read aloud internet memes while turing a little red, perfectly-messed hair…

…Anyway, Gosling is the man women want to date, a fact proven not only by the “OH MY GOD RYAN GOSLING” emitted by women at the mention of his name. We turn to mush at his entrance on screen. Even in “Crazy, Stupid, Love,” a movie in which, for the better part of it, he played the kind of guy who in the real world would be in the douchiest frat on campus and then goes into the real world.  Here he copes far better than he should be able to and sleeps with girls who know better but they do it anyway.  It’s like a notch on a bedpost you craft a 48k gold trophy for and put in the freaking trophy case (is 48k gold even a thing?).  Yes, we girls too can totally justify their poor, typically alcohol-induced decision-making, because we’d all make the same decision if given the chance.

While women may be the key demo putting Gosling on a pedestal, men’s magazines are also holding him up as the shining example of what men should aspire to be. It could be argued by some people, probably about five out of the seven billion of them, that Gosling is in fact the new George Clooney. Clooney has become too Hollywood, the icon of the icons. He is smooth, slick and charming.

Now enter Gosling and pick up your notepad.

This man is attractive to women because he’s still on the edges. He rules Hollywood, currently – just look at his films from last year – but he doesn’t wear a tux to Cannes. He wears a pajama tux. He doesn’t step out on to the streets of NYC to get some page space in the, “Celebrities! They’re Just Like Us!” pages (lies, by the way, since we can’t even afford organic spinach; we argue celebrities are not just like us). When Ryan Gosling steps out on the streets of NYC, he’s not getting organic spinach, he’s breaking up a street fight.

He is a Clooney at the beginning of a Clooney-esque career, as indicated by the poster for “The Ides of March.” The women who you hook up with and date will find him attractive for the next 20 or even 30 years, because right now, he looks swell, he acts well, and he can function in a world of internet memes and indie movies in a way that Clooney can’t.

For you, a man among men, this is important. In 2012, when Gosling reigns in the pages of GQ and Esquire and is sent enough paychecks from Hollywood to save every dolphin (because that is the animal he would undoubtably save, unless geese were endangered). This top man isn’t the one who is the undisputed top man (that is still Clooney), but the man who wanders into the spotlight nonchalantly. In other words, you don’t have to be everything all the time, but do the one or two things you do very well better. Spread the collar, sharpen the lapels. Open both sets of doors, not just the first. If you’re on the quiet side, speak a little more – you’ll be mysterious. If you’re the loud one, make sure the stories you tell are only the best ones (and the fresh ones).

That – the balance of accessibility and intrigue – is the secret to Gosling. Don’t show up in a pajama suit to take her out to dinner. You are not Ryan, unless you are Ryan and are reading this, in which case, we’d really love your number.  Even if we have to travel to somewhere like Ft. Collins, Colorado, where you currently live though no one really gets that sort of sartorial daring. But back to the non-Ryans, try a blazer with a bright pocketsquare or something. The typical with the burst of unexpected.

Gosling will be a good man to follow, gents. He is the new Clooney, and Clooney, for a Hollywood eon, has been the man who wore the tuxes and charmed the ladies. But it’s a new year, and it’s time for a new Man of the Year.

And hey, we’ll give him at least 16.

So remember that attractive woman who just happened to be standing near you at the stroke of midnight last weekend (New Year’s Eve)?  The one you kissed, and it was like fireworks and perfection on your lips?  Lucky for you, she scrawled her number hurriedly on a cocktail napkin and placed it in your sweaty palm (don’t lie). And you took to the inky blurs like they were the Da Vinci Code, deciphering the script number by number. After calling four wrong numbers (5s and 6s are dangerously similar), you got ahold of her, and she was actually excited to hear from you. You asked her out, and this might just be a thing. And it’s the beginning of the fricking month– you suave devil, you.

Because auld acquaintance has, indeed, been forgot, it’s time for you to take this new relationship out for a spin. And trusty Hollywood, in its overwhelming generosity, is there to help you.

DON’T have 50 first dates with the same person. Even if you haven’t seen it, just know that whole concept is just terrible. One first date is bad enough, but 50?! What kind of twisted movie producer imagines that level of hell? Good God. Take trips to the restroom and surreptitiously whisper to Siri every little thing your date says, and keep those notes handy so you don’t have the same conversation on the next date. Remember what topics make her eyes light up. Remember if she hates cheese. Remember if she has a kid. Remember what drink she takes with dinner. The power of your memory can be used for good in the future.

Note on that last bit: As receptive a listener as Siri is, DON’T take too many frequent potty breaks. The last thing you want her to think you’re doing in there is whispering sweet nothings to an ex (or Siri), or getting too familiar with the toilet. Know what gives you heartburn/nausea/cramps/bad bowel movement (not those, PLEASE not those). The beginning of your relationship need not be a Ben-Stiller-reacts-badly-to-Indian-food-destroyed-handtowel-and-traumatized-small-pet situation.

DON’T reveal your superpowers immediately, even if you are Bruce Almighty. This bears no further explanation, nor shall you receive one.

DO avoid conversation topics guaranteed to make Auntie Jean choke on her pot roast, at least until you know each other well enough to know what topics are kosher. For example: It’s a risky time to say anything about politics and will be for the rest of our lives. Unless you’re making fun of Mitt Romney’s pants, in which case you may comment snarkily on his faux-Midwestern almost-stonewashed everyman jeans he’s regularly seen in. Pants are always an approved topic of conversation. Just DON’T invite her to a party in them, a la Anchorman. Brick Tamland and every other man in that movie collectively form the antichrist of dating idols, and you should never learn anything from them. A friend told us a few days ago, jokingly, that he wore his Sex Panther cologne out for a recent “night on the tiles” (Brit-speak; think “floor” – and not in a sexy way). Even though we knew it was just dry humour humor, and we know where he keeps his bottle of Chanel Egoiste Platinum, we judged him. A lot.

Speaking of, DO wear cologne. Just DON’T (capital letters are so imposing!) wear a lot of it. A woman wants to smell you, but not in the desperate damn-the-milk-expired-two-days-ago-but-maybe-it’s-still-drinkable way. That requires intensive and dedicated sniffing best left to bloodhounds. Also, sometimes people’s noses are congested this time of year. Don’t make it worse. Your cologne should double as a pheromone that can trick her into thinking that that’s how you really smell all the time, even after dinner, two bars and the subway ride home. Two spritzes will do. Very nicely. That’s all.

Seriously, put the Versace down.

New Year’s Eve is a time when everybody goes around and discloses to friends or acquaintances what they’re most unhappy with in life, and how they’re going to change it for the better this year. Some decide to avoid lung cancer; some enthusiastically embrace a vegan diet (upside: you get to eat burgers in front of them the rest of the year). Some make it their year to find The One; others swear off soulmates altogether. But horror-of-horrors, the circle’s come around to you, and you’ve got nothing. You’re either that pretentious person who actually has their crap together or you swing the opposite way and can’t pick just one thing to fix.

But they’re waiting and staring expectantly at you to validate their concerns by offering one of your own. It’s a ritual sacrifice of egos, and you better throw yours onto the altar. Luckily, Hollywood’s got plenty of ideas for you. And damn it, it turns out that love-related resolutions always seem to be a hit with the crowd. So say it with us: “This year, I resolve to…”

1. “Heat things up with my old flame.”

In an Affair to Remember, Deborah Kerr and Cary Grant (both engaged in the movie) resolve to meet on top of the Empire State Building in six months if they’ve still got feelings for each other. While things like gChat and Facebook have largely sucked the notion of this sort of romantic leap out of our technophilic Gen X and Millennial souls, the essential idea of meeting up with that girl you actually had feelings for from that one-night stand might not be such a bad one.

2. “Actually tell her – no, seriously, I’m not kidding – how I feel.”

In When Harry Met Sally, Harry crashed a New Year’s Eve party to tell Sally this, so really, he had a head start on his resolution (cheater). Provided that your “her” isn’t sitting at the table or holding a champagne glass nearby, this one’s always a winner with the crowd, and all your pretentious hesitation will be forgiven in the name of love.

3. “Make sure I’m definitely out of the friends zone.”

In 54, arguably one of the worst movies of all time, Ryan Phillippe’s character Shane is working the New Year’s Eve shift at Studio 54, which is arguably the worst place one could have ever worked a New Year’s Eve shift. Unfortunately, the girl he thought of as a potential girlfriend is there trying to get ahead in her acting career by sleeping with people who can make that happen. He gets pissed off, and what happens next involves ODing, federal tax evasion investigations (basically, another night at the studio), and a terrible decision to be “just friends.” This is the worst zone ever. It’s so bad we won’t tell you to watch the movie because the movie’s bad too, and you should probably just figure this one out on your own.

4. “Not blow things out of proportion.”

Sometimes things suck. But nothing sucks as badly as being stuck with Fergie on a quickly-sinking cruise ship on New Year’s Eve. Just remember that next time you fight over the remote. Oh Poseidon Adventure…

To all you attached men out there, my sincerest apologies for last week’s column about being single over the holidays. It probably reminded you of your former singleness, at which point you either smirked at the screen or used it to justify hibernating for a day.

But this week’s for you, boys (single men, back to Lord of the Rings!). You’ve got the girl, which to your mother is her equivalent of Santa coming on Christmas, and now you’ve got to bring her home for the holidays. As nerve-racking as this is, know that she’s innocent until proven guilty with your family (unlike you meeting her father, which in most cases is a “guilty until proven innocent if ever” situation). Hollywood’s paved the way for you, too, and they’ve got some excellent do’s and don’ts about meeting the parents…

DO tell her and tell your family about what each is like before taking her to meet the family. Your parents are Tea Partiers, and your girl was an Obama campaign volunteer? Avoid politics like your Aunt Mildred’s putrid honeyed carrots. No one wants a Sarah-Jessica-Parker-style dinner blow-up full of awkwardly cascading insults, a la The Family Stone.

That will ruin things. So. Quickly.

This is especially true if they have opposite viewpoints when it comes to potentially controversial topics: religion (or lack thereof), gay rights, politics, turkey versus tofurkey. Not that the conversation should turn to any of these the first time your girl meets the parents, but it’s good to let each party know of significant differences.

(And if it’s a question of turkey versus tofurkey, it’s always turkey. Always.).

DO have fun with cultural differences.

Love Actually, which, as all FilmBuff girls will tell you, is what we universally believe to be possibly the Best Christmas Movie Ever. The fact we even have to divulge our reasons feels absolutely ridiculous. Colin Firth’s awkward English writer character learns Portuguese to get his girl, then flies over there (presumably on Ryanair, or that’s quite the expensive flight) to propose to her. He bursts into her home, meets her dad by accidentally proposing to the wrong daughter, and then he wins them over with his devotion despite his terrible command of their language.

If she comes from a different cultural background, you can bet your parents would love nothing more than to share some of your heritage’s traditions with her for the holidays. Whether you serve haggis on the Christmas dinner table or actually get Chinese and go gambling (Mazel Tov!), include her in the celebrations and preparations. It’ll make her feel welcome in the family, and your parents will love her eagerness.

(Just don’t tell her what’s actually in the haggis.)

DON’T “surprise” your family by bringing her home unannounced, unless you know that your mother has loved every surprise you have ever surprised her with. Ever.

Another solid tip from Love Actually: Hugh Grant’s character showed up on the doorstep of his girl’s flat and kind of partially ruined the Christmas festivities by bursting in. This is not the time of year to bring a guest home that hasn’t been discussed beforehand; your parents have been preparing menus for a set number of guests, there’s only enough beds for that set number of guests (and sleeping arrangements really aren’t a conversation you want to be having the first time your girlfriend meets your parents, are they?). It’s not a good idea to throw off this precarious planning. Do yourself, your parents and your girl a favor and clear all the plans (beds included) before arrival.

You just read this entire article and are single this holiday season?  Thanks for tuning in, but you should really spend time and catch up on the movies to get your single self pumped up this season. We got it all prepared for you. Oh wait, you are dating someone and not sure what to get them?  Let us guide you through the steps in a relationship and what gift is appropriate.

There are two awful things about being single during the holidays.

1. Seeing your family.

2. Not being able to see your family.

It’s basically a crapshoot. In the first situation, you see your family, and they vaguely reference/hint/comment/interrogate you on a sliding scale of vague hinty tiptoeing to outright rebukes about wedding bells/girlfriends/seeing anyone/maybe a pet rock?, OR you don’t get to see your family due to work/weather/transportation issues, all your friends are out of town, and you’re at home alone over the holidays, still single. And just to top things off, your heat probably isn’t working.

Holy Devil-Mother of Scrooge, this sucks. Suddenly, dangerously, you’re finding all sorts of ways to rationalize your ex’s crazy obsession with argyle socks, and some non-existent intruder is drinking all your Scotch.

Now.

MAN UP.

Throw away the socks.

Surviving the holidays single can be a challenge and a really awful one at that. But if you’re going to hibernate it away, there’s some damn good movies out there to get you through it.

1. It’s a Wonderful Life

So it’s like that, is it? You’ve hit a low, sir. You’re looking for an escape away from your (forgive me) dreary life that involves a wood-laminate desk and rather conservative suit, and somehow you’ve wound up drinking at the diviest of dive bars by yourself and getting just absolutely trashed to the point where you think you’re seeing a plump, bald Renaissance angel, black out and then come to, standing on the edge of a bridge (I’m convinced that’s what really happened).

Wait. You’re still in your living room?

Good. Stay there.

And no, another glass of Scotch couldn’t hurt. After all, you’ve got it a lot better than George Bailey does.

Except for the dance/swimming pool scene. Everyone’s prom should have been like that.

2. Lord of the Rings Trilogy

The trilogy is incredibly long (we’re talking like, full-day-investment long), which means that you can hibernate for a full 24 hours, and it’s totally justifiable since you’re reliving your adolescence. And man, it’s a lifter-upper; Your life cannot possibly be any worse than having to carry a mind-controlling, soul-sucking ring that gradually weighs you down about 400 million miles over the worst terrain imagined by someone not in the video game industry while being chased by armies of orcs and a writhing Gollum.

Also, just like Sam and Frodo, you can make yourself a second breakfast (and no one’s going to judge you for those three extra strips of bacon).

3. 300

SWORDS TROY EXPLOSIONS ARMOR MEN BEING MEN SLO-MO FIGHT SCENES BATTLE HONOR WOMEN GOD-KINGS WAR SPECIAL EFFECTS BLOODSHED THIS IS SPARTAAAAAA!

(You might feel like you’re dining in hell whenever you sit down to eat over the holidays, but let’s be real: Movies don’t get much more manly than this. This can get you through a lot.)

You and your girl love movies. Brilliant—we applaud you. They are the perfect excuse to consider the two inches of snow outside your window “snowed in” and play hooky. They also make holiday gift-giving fairly easy. The natural thing to get her for Christmas, in this case, is a DVD. We’ve picked five movies you could give her (and one of which you shouldn’t give. Ever.), and what they say about you…

Indiana Jones boxed set

Thank goodness you have enough sense to leave off the abomination that was “Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull” and instead focus in on Indy in his prime. If you and your girl like to keep things a little on the adventurous side, this is a great way to highlight that side of your relationship. Of course, there’s also the benefit of having your next three dates covered.

The Notebook

This is either a deep and selfless manifestation of your love or willingness to make her happy, an expression of your metrosexual softer side, or a desperate call for an Al-Anon intervention, per Noah’s rather lush beer-and-housebuilding hobby.

Jarhead

Put it down. Put it back into the $5 bin. Walk away. Only you want this for a gift. Only you.**

**Unless you have explicit, verbatim confirmation that she does.

The King’s Speech

You take gift-giving as seriously as you take everything in life. It is careful, calculated and is fostered by a decision-making process that involves about as much emotion as a British drama. You choose the best in life: Oscar-winning, critically-acclaimed movies, fine wines from Chile (you just can’t get good French imports in the States) and good quality wool socks.

Gone With the Wind

Your appreciation for a classic comes out when you give her a gift that represents the finest in American cinematic history. Either that, or you two have been dating or married for so long that you no longer have much to talk about, and therefore, need to let Rhett and Scarlett (matching double-Ts…presh) fill the silence.

Not to be a Scrooge, but the holiday season is just the absolute worst when you have a significant other. It’s not only the standard dilemma of what to get, but there’s this whole other set of rules that comes into play when you’re dating someone. It’s the “How-Long-Have-We-Been-Together Factor.” What you give her is often a reflection of how long you’ve been together, which means you end up with a six-pack, and a night spent half-heartedly clicking on all those sale notices stores have been dumping in your inbox.

But praise the saints (St. Nick, rather)—Hollywood’s got you covered. Feel free to take note and steal those romantic ideas from the love-stricken characters on the big screen. Yes, there are a lot of chick flicks on this list, but that’s mostly because the Terminator is too busy terminating to get all warm and fuzzy for the holidays.

You hooked up for the first time two nights ago, but you’ve been talking:

First off, this was horrific timing on your part. Why would you do that? Sigh. Just shoot her a text—or, you bold man, you!—an actual phone call, wishing her a happy whatever politically-correct holiday she celebrates, which you should know (and no, a “Happy Holidays!” sent on Christmas Day is not holiday-neutral). Sorry, movies really don’t cover this for you. So we’re just going to start with practical advice to help your clueless soul.

Third date:

This is possibly even worse timing than No. 1. You’re (probably) on your way to a relationship, but you’re still kind of getting to know each other. Thus, the gift must be small, yet meaningful enough to show you were paying attention when she waxed philosophical about the National. Perhaps concert tickets to a band you both like, a la Going the Distance? It doesn’t have to be a big show at a big venue—sometimes the most intimate ones (read: slightly sketchy bars) are the best.

Together two to six months:

This is the time to show her just how much you’re into her (this isn’t really to be viewed as a sliding scale but a statement). If you both live away from family, have a holiday for the both of you; Spend a lazy morning in your pajamas, take a wintry walk outside, do up a nice dinner for yourselves. Gifts at this point can be a spectrum of things: a nice piece of jewelry (please, no diamonds. Try something nice, but meaningful, like the gorgeous-but-unadorned-with-precious-jewels necklace Alan Rickman’s character gets his…erm wanna-be mistress in Love Actually), a little something that comes in pink-striped tissue paper, or tickets to the ballet she wants to see. Yes, the same show you’d rather spend hours shopping with her girlfriends on Black Friday at Nordstrom than attend.

Living together/one to two years:

If you guys still aren’t at the “getting hitched” stage (whether the feeling is mutual or not), it’s a good idea to avoid anything that comes in a velvet box, unless it’s far more of a rectangle than a square. Other things that are nice include a small trip away (no matter the duration, destination or budget, she’ll love the thought), or, per Marley and Me, something that’s small, fluffy and occasionally makes barking noises when it sees a mailman (note: this is only if there’s some commitment in your mental roadmap because if you’re not living together already, guess who she’s gonna call for pet sitting duty?)

Together +3 years

Oh, I don’t know…a ring? Or, you could pull a Noah (a.k.a. Ryan Gosling) and give her a house you built yourself while struggling to wade through an ocean of masculine emotion that abates only with the tides of whiskey and gin with which you’ve filled your heart. On second thought, skip the alcohol bit. Additionally, if you’re not sure what this refers to, you should probably watch The Notebook with her. It’s been long enough, sir.

Not that the Annes and Kieras of Hollywood aren’t great (they are), and not that they don’t manage to always look gorgeous (they do), but the red carpet hasn’t really changed in the past couple years. For most guys, it’s the same beautiful women wearing the same dresses each year (although some of us girls beg to differ on that last point). But this year is the year of the “Indie It Girls,” the women whom Hollywood really hasn’t seen yet. These are the beautiful newcomers your girl’s going to start talking about soon, and the ones you’re going to want to know when the next issue of Esquire comes. Here’s who to keep an eye out for on the carpet this year…

1. Elizabeth Olsen, “Martha Marcy May Marlene”

If that last name conjures up images of oversized, puzzling, granny-style clothing and weird eating disorders, you’re on the right track. Except this is the third Olsen sister, the underdog, just-when-we-were-fading-into-obscurity-BOOM-HERE-SHE-IS talent, the imperial Hollywood clan has been keeping her under wraps since her brief appearance in 1994′s Olsen twin epic How the West Was Fun. And no, a triplet she is not (at 21, she’s a couple years younger than her sisters), but she’s normal. And even when playing a character named, unfortunately, “Martha,” in this buzzed-about role, she manages to be her gorgeous self, in that quirky, unexpected Olsen way.

But, you know, without the grandma sweaters.

2. Carey Mulligan, “Drive”

You might have caught a glimpse of her if you walked in on your girl watching Pride and Prejudice (she played one of the Bennett sisters—aka one of the other girls besides Kiera), or, given that you’re a guy, more likely opposite Peter Sarsgaard in 2009′s independent-but-critically-acclaimed An Education. Either way, her performance opposite Ryan Gosling in Drive has got the internet world throwing the pixie-haired Brit in this year with the Oscar nominees. If you haven’t seen Drive yet, now’s probably a good time.

3. Rooney Mara, “Girl With the Dragon Tattoo”

So a punk, tough, slightly-insane computer hacker named Lisbeth who goes all torture-chamber crazy in Girl With a Dragon Tattoo might not be your first pick for indie starlet. But once all the (strange) makeup is off and the black hair dye is washed out, it’s safe to say she cleans up nicely. And unless you were paying super close attention in 2010′s remake of Nightmare on Elm Street or when she broke Mark Zuckerberg’s heart in The Social Network, you probably haven’t realized you’ve seen her before. She’ll be on the red carpet this year, though—and at least twice more after this, as she reprises her role of damaged Lisbeth Salander in the Milennium trilogy. And unlike her character, that’s not at all a scary thing.

A few months from now it will be Oscar night. Your girlfriend, crush, friend who knows hot girls through his girlfriend or whatever will invite you to an Oscar Watching Party. You attend because what else are you doing on a Sunday in late February. At the party, you try to be interested in all this rich people’s ego massaging. But it’s hard because you can’t really care about the red carpet or one more actor thanking his mother. However, you try to maintain interest because you are at a party and not having any interest in the party’s theme is rude.

We’re sorry we are giving you such a dismal picture, but we aren’t just giving you pain without a cure. No, no fellow movie lover. We know not every guy out there cares about Meryl Streep’s winning performance. So we’ve come up with our own list for non-artistic, movie-loving dudes. This list can keep you thinking during this Oscar Bait season. You can even take this list and put 5 nominees in each category. From there, who knows? Maybe see how many of these films wind up with legitimate Oscar nominations. And from there, create some kind of drinking game. Every time they show a clip from one of your nominations the person to your left drinks. We’re just spitballing here. But here’s a list to get you started…

• Best Car (Foreign)
• Best Car (Domestic)
• Hottest Could-Actually-Work-It-As-a-Cougar Cougar
• Girl Who Looks the Best in That Weird Short Haircut Your Girl Friends Call a “Pixie” Cut But Can Sometimes Backfire Horribly and Look Kind of Butch
• Most Kickass Fight Scene Using Martial Arts
• Most Kickass Fight Scene Not Using Martial Arts
• Hottest Who’s-That-Girl? Girl
• Coolest Weapons Arsenal
• Best HOLY-HELL-Quick-Rewind-and-Watch-It-Again! Special Effects
• George Clooney’s Best Suit
• Most Normal Olsen Sister

There are so many possibilities here. Sometimes “Best Visual Effects” doesn’t really encompass what you really want to praise in movies. And that’s okay by us. This list is not expansive. So we turn to you guys. If this was actually a thing, what hypothetical awards would you want to see on this game-playing list?

It’s beginning to look a lot like Oscar bait season, which has a lot of people excited because shiny things like trophies are kind of a big deal, and there’s lots of tuxes, and women do love a man in a good tux. There’s also some drama because sometimes people win things other people should have won, and then sometimes people don’t win things at all, which makes them and other people—mostly angry movie bloggers—upset. Most women love this. A lot of men wonder what happened to football. But when your girls got you roped into watching another Friday night’s worth of Oscar-hopeful flicks, just remember there are lessons to be learned from these 90-to-140-minutes-of-hell…

…how to be an even better man, courtesy of some Best Actor favorites.

George Clooney: Ides of March, The Descendants

Why you want to be him: You want your exterior to match who you are.

How he does this: The man can wear a suit. More importantly, the man does wear a suit. He wears a suit while he makes another perfect martini. He wears a suit while he is infallibly polite to the clerk at Whole Foods. He wears one while he flashes his white teeth and seduces another classically beautiful woman. He wears a suit while he auditions for another movie where he plays a quintessentially debonair man’s man. He wears one while he sleeps. The perfectly-tailored suit is a part of Clooney: it defines him as a gentleman. What a suit means—class, elegance, worldly knowledge, charm—and all of this is what Clooney is, too. His clothing speaks for who he is.

Matt Damon: Contagion, We Bought A Zoo

Why you want to be him: You want to keep a woman guessing.

How he does this: He battles a scary epidemic in yet another movie about a virus that kills everyone, but it has potential to not be terrible because it has every A-lister whose agent would let them act in an apocalyptic movie that doesn’t have Morgan Freeman in it. Then Matt is going to buy a zoo in a movie called We Bought a Zoo. He’s going to buy a freaking zoo with actual animals, and he’s going to have this terrible late 1980s feathery haircut, which he’s going to pull off because he’s Matt Damon, damn it, and he can do all these things. He can do them so well.

Ryan Gosling: Drive, Ides of March

Why you want to be him: You’ve gotta work with what you’ve got, even when it’s your name. A slightly unmasculine name.

How he does this: Being attached to a last name that means “baby goose” and conjures up images of fluffy, downy softness couldn’t have been easy for a teenaged guy. But Ry-Ry Ryan pulled through. He got over that. Other people got over it, too, as soon as they saw The Notebook. Most of these people were women. Then after seeing Drive and Ides of March, movies about a guy who drives a car (but with guns and stuff) and a political drama, respectively, everyone else got over it, too. So for all you Malcolms and Leslies out there, just take your name and work it. Work it hard.

So your girl wants to watch the last round of Oscar bait. This means a lot of movie dates for you. Movie dates involve end-of-movie-on-the-way-home chitchat, and if you want her to think you’re a man of intelligence and not some Cro-Magnon who can only grunt, “Yeah, that was a pretty cool movie,” as you toss your popcorn in the bin, you’re going to want to read this primer. We’ll give you a little insight on some of what’s to come before so you can coherently discuss who the big players are in the last round of big movies this year.

1. The Ocean trilogy

This series, which centers around the casino-, museum- and and aristocrat-robbing schemes of Danny Ocean and his motley crew of 10, 11 and 12 others (depending on whether you’re watching Ocean’s 11, 12, or 13) is an excellent way to start covering some ground—and your ass.

Not only are they filled with dry wit and an amazing soundtrack, but the Holy Hollywood triumvirate of Brad Pitt (critic favorite for Moneyball), George Clooney (notable this year for Ides of March and The Descendants) and Matt Damon (Oscar bait for We Bought a Zoo and Contagion) are amazing together. After watching this, you’ll be able to compare each of these actor’s performances in a snarkier, drier movie with ones they give in a viral thriller, sports drama, family-ish movie and political bender.

2. The Spiderman series

Pick a Spiderman, any Spiderman. If it’s one from the first decade of this century (not the upcoming one), you’re going to see Kirsten Dunst before she went all MIA on us for a few years. Now she’s back, and there’s some serious Oscar buzz about her performance in Melancholia, which brought her an underdog Best Actress at Cannes.

It’s an end-of-the-world film, so compare her sidekick-damsely role in Spiderman to this drastically different one, and you’re guaranteed conversation (also, we dare you to say you found the Spiderman series more “complex,” “nuanced,” “pivotally emotional,” et al).

3. Million Dollar Baby

So it has Hilary Swank in it. Fine. We get it. Ignore the plot, ignore the leading lady and watch it because Clint Eastwood directed it. It’s also pretty similar genre-wise (by this we mean it’s a drama, and not some sort of war/action/Western movie) to J. Edgar, which is most likely going to be nominated for something this year, so you’ll get a good idea of Eastwood’s directorial style.

It’s also got Leonardo DiCaprio in it, a little-known actor who was in some seriously low-budget flicks no one has ever heard of like Inception and, oh, Titanic back in the day, as well as Shutter Island and Catch Me If You Can. So he does drama well.

Clint Eastwood’s been throwing his weight around the Oscar bait idea for a few years, too, and if this collaboration doesn’t wind up in a “Best-something” bracket, then something is wrong with the system, and we should all just launch an “Occupy Kodak” movement now.

A well-played quote from a movie can work really well on a date, if quoted correctly and with just the right amount of self-aware cheese, which isn’t the same as sleaze, even though it rhymes. Sleaze is never good under any circumstances, especially on a date. Don’t be That Guy.

However, it is entirely possible to unforgivably ruin a date by uttering an entirely inappropriate, mistimed quote. Lines from horror movies, in particular, are ones to stay away from. Just think about how horribly these could turn out…

When you’ve used up all your other pickup lines:

“Hi, I’m Chucky, wanna play?” - Child’s Play (1988)

If you’re a self-respecting adult male, your name shouldn’t be “Chucky.” It should be Charles or, if  you’re stuck in the 1950s, Chuck. Nothing else. Definitely not Chucky. We don’t even need to discuss what would happen if you started off by asking a girl if she wanted to “play.”

“Do you have to open graves to find girls to fall in love with?” - The Mummy (1932)

Creepy AND insulting! Don’t even play this pity card if things are going that badly. Just order another pint and stumble home by yourself as generations of men have done before you.

“I have crossed oceans of time to find you.” – Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1992)

This sounds flattering at first, but then she’s going to wonder where the whole “oceans of time” thing came from, and that’s not going to wind up in a good place.

“Hallo. Vould you like a roll in za hay?” – Young Frankenstein (1974)

No. She would not.

“I see dead people.” The Sixth Sense (1999)

Interesting fact about yourself? Usually a winner. But not this one. And she won’t give a damn that it’s not true. Which it isn’t, right?

When things are heating up with her:

“It’s alive! It’s ALIVE!” - Frankenstein (1931)

This is not a good way to hint you want to take things to the next level.

“We accept her! One of us! One of us!” - Freaks (1932)

No matter how much you want to tell her you like her, you should never ever sound like Gollum.

“It is not hands that summon us. It is desire.” – Hellbound: Hellraiser II (1988)

Blaming your handsiness on an abstract concept won’t get her into your bedroom.

When she’s back at your place:

“I have such sights to show you!” - Hellraiser (1987)

Sounding like an overzealous travel guide is not the correct way to brag about your sexual prowess.

“This is nuts! And I have a very high tolerance for nuts.” - Seed of Chucky (2004)

The first sentence could be a compliment. The second sentence could have her questioning what she got herself into.

“Whatever you do, don’t fall asleep.” A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

You might be excited about having her over, but this isn’t the way to make her want to stay up all night.

When things are getting serious:

“Love means never having to say you’re ugly.” - The Abominable Dr. Phibes (1971)

See also: How to instill low self-esteem in girls who read between the lines.

If things are on the rocks:

“No tears, please. It’s a waste of good suffering.” – Hellraiser (1987)

You cold-hearted bastard.

Who isn’t a fan of mismatched romances? Wrong side of the tracks? Socioeconomics be damned! May-December? Props to Mr. Hefner for keeping things spicy at 120 years old. Men of a certain age, add “silk, smoking jacket” to your must-purchase list.

But as with everything except chocolate, moderation is key. Sometimes a line just needs to be drawn when it comes to strange romances, especially in scary movies where things can get really weird really fast.

This is a line that Hollywood, in its mid-century horror-film heyday, failed to draw. In some of those golden-era gems, the romances are far scarier than the storyline. Allow us to analyze each scary romance through our own devices.  First up…

1. King Kong (1933)

Setting: Writing room, Studio City, 1932.

Cooper: There has to be a love interest, James. We must rope the women in with a love interest!

James takes a sip of Scotch.

James: That’s going to be tricky, Cooper. Who could an incredibly oversized, island-dwelling ape-man possibly love?

Cooper: Why, a blonde, buxom American woman! Plenty of those running around here. And not just love—an obsession!

James: A cross-species romance? Marjorie, pour me another Scotch!

All writers in the 1930s had secretaries with depressingly bland first names.

But seriously. How was it even plausible that megaton Kong could have looked at blonde starlet and thought, “Yeah, I could go for that,” to the point where he’d die on top of the Empire State building to get her? Was it because it was the 1930s that no one talked about the actual implications of an ape-human fling? Are we the only ones who think about things like this?

2. Cat People (1942)

This one starts out normally, but only because two humans are involved. Except one of them isn’t really a human—she’s a cat. Except that she’s not a cat lady in the middle-aged-woman-who-just-got-evicted-from-her-apartment-because-she’d-rather-keep-her-contraband-kitties-than-live-under-a-roof sense. And she’s not a cat lady in the Angelina-Jolie-Catwoman sense.

Nope. When Irena gets passionate (use your imagination; it was the ’40s), she morphs into a panther.

Of course, there were some signs. Like when she tells her boyfriend she’s descended from evil genius devil-worshipping sorcerer refugees who fled to the mountains when a conquering king invaded Serbia and started killing people in her ancestor’s village and shortly after the invasion, cats were quickly designated as a symbol of evil.

Or like when all the kitties in a pet store get violently upset when she saunters in.

Or like how people described her mom as a “cat person” and her dad died mysteriously.

But her boyfriend decides to ignore all these things that might otherwise be dating deal breakers for people in the cynical world we live in now. But it’s the 1940s, when things are still pretty innocent, so he’s like, “Wanna get hitched?”

Too bad the whole “I-turn-into-a-panther-when-I-get-passionate” means she refuses to sleep with him.

The poor guy’s not getting any from his wife, so his eyes start to wander over to his attractive and exceptionally cliched assistant, Alice. Irena sees them at dinner and takes her catty anger out on some unfortunate sheep, followed by an attack a few nights later on Alice’s robe, because when girls get really jealous, they like to destroy each other’s stuff.

A bit later, hubby decides he doesn’t want to live with a jealous woman who might be a panther and who definitely doesn’t want to sleep with him (WTF), and he decides he’s going to go ask Alice to marry him instead. Alice calls Irena’s psychiatrist to warn him Irena might show up. When she does, the idiot decides he wants to make a pass at her, even though he knows her deep dark “so-I-think-I’m-a-panther” secrets. He kisses her and she kills him, then *spoiler* self-destructs by sauntering in to the panther’s cage at the zoo.

Hubby and Alice live happily ever after, because humans should date humans and not panther people.

How did the writers even come up with this plot line? I think it was a spin-off of some sort of Studio City team-building game called “Let’s draw words out of a hat and come up with a story,” like Mad Libs gone horribly out of control.

(Words: panther, Serbia, secretary, zoo, psychiatrist)

3. Bride of Frankenstein (1935)

Blah, blah, innate need for companionship, blah blah. First of all, credit to Olde Hollywood for kicking off the zombie trend that’s been going strong for oh, about 80 years.

Second of all, what the hell is going on?

The monster Henry Frankenstein (to avoid confusion, the writers named both the scientist and the monster Frankenstein) decided he would really like someone to set fire to things with him. So Henry puts together a “bride” for him, which is a reference to a cultural institution zombies probably don’t give two matchsticks about since the whole “’til death do us part” thing has kind of happened already.

Anyway, Frankenbride comes to life, checks out her arranged marriage husband-to-be, decides he isn’t her type, and then expresses her feelings by screaming bloody murder. Monster Frankenstein, who apparently sucks at spitting game at the one other being on the planet he could possibly mate with, doesn’t take this well and goes into this “the world hates me” mood because the world actually does hate him. He picks his favorites with the team o’ scientists, and kicks Henry and his bride out before pulling a lever to destroy the lab, himself, his bride, and just for kicks, Henry’s old teacher.

Lesson learned: Dead people have no control over their emotions, and if you’re going to create a spouse for an emotionally unstable monster, at least put together a few candidates so there can be some sort of “The Bachelor”-type contest.

Also, she was totally out of his league.