Have you ever wondered what you’d say if you won an Academy Award? Admit it. All Film Buffs dream of crossing that stage and being handed that beloved golden statuette in front of a live audience. We’ve all planned what that acceptance speech would be. And if you haven’t, it doesn’t take much to decipher the anatomy of an Oscar speech.

An acceptance speech can be as heavily judged as an actor’s performance on the silver screen. After all, winning an award is another kind of performance. Some people know when to end a speech. Some people keep talking until the next day. Sharon Waxman of the The Washington Post once noted that the longest speech of all time goes to Greer Garson, who talked for a whopping seven minutes—even after the ceremony had lasted until 1:00am. Trust us.  You don’t want to be that type of winner.

There are all kinds of speeches we’ve heard over the years, but we believe there’s a certain formula for the most entertaining ones. Once they say the words, “And the winner is…,” this is basically how the speech will break down:

Oh my God, I won! I actually won!

If you’re someone that never believed you would ever get an Oscar, this is probably the best night of your life. Therefore, you’ll go crazy. Granted, not all winners decide to go bonkers, but it’s so much more entertaining when they do. Study Roberto Benigni’s reaction below if you want to start practicing bouncing off the walls.

(Cry incoherently)

Every year, there is one speech where the winner dissolves into an emotional mess, to the point where they’re barely able to talk—or even begin their speech. However, for an example of how to cry and look beautiful, check out Gwyneth Paltrow’s reaction when she won for Shakespeare in Love.

I just wrote this all down on a napkin because I didn’t think I’d be up here…

This act of modesty is so common we sometimes wonder if it’s just an act. Some winner will claim that they never thought they had a chance of winning, but then decided to scribble down a last minute speech anyway. Hilary Swank did this when she won for Boys Don’t Cry…even though she was considered the favorite that year. While Hilary’s speech was fine, we’d suggest writing it down on a larger piece of paper that’s easier to read.

To my fellow nominees, you inspire me…

It’s nice to thank your fellow nominees. Although it might just sound like a consolation prize, being aware of your peers makes you look humble, appreciative, and less like a bitch. We use Hilary Swank again as an example. When she won for Million Dollar Baby, she thoughtfully mentioned the other Best Actress candidates. Even if they might have been be silently cursing her name, we think that she was sincere in reaching out to them.  Especially Annette Bening, who she beat for a second time.

I’d like to thank the Academy, director, cast, whoever made me, and the rest of the world for knowing me…

Be smart. Come prepared with a set list of people you’d like to thank. Some winners are just so grateful to win, that they declare their love for God, their mother, their father, their cousin Larry and every single person in the entire world. Hell, in 2002, Halle Berry even took a moment to thank her lawyers.  While those long thank you lists can be annoying, these are the people that helped you win, so it’s good to remember them. If you want to practice how to profess your love for everyone, check out Cuba Gooding Jr.’s reaction below.

And….I’d like to thank this person, their name is…

Almost every year, there is one person that infamously forgets to thank someone important. Like their co-stars,their director, their agents or even worse—their significant other. To give Christian Bale his due, he definitely did thank his wife…even though he momentarily forgot her name.

This is most challenging role I’ve ever had…

At some point in the speech, reference your sheer luck in landing this difficult role. Commiserate about how this role is the toughest one you’ve ever had and how you are glad that all your hard work paid off. Basically, you’re stating, “Damn it, I do deserve this role!” For example, check out a more modest Natalie Portman when she won for Black Swan. She spent a year training for the role.

I just want to say how much this award means to_____.

End on some “this is bigger than me” type of sentiment. Maybe acknowledge where you came from. Mention your country that is staying up late to watch your win halfway across the world. Or remind everyone that you’ve adopted a million children that look up to you. Any of these work. Check out how Charlize Theron gave a shout out to South Africa when she won for Monster.

In any case, no speech is ever perfect. Some are more entertaining than the rest.  Some try to be more meaningful than they should be. But if you do happen to win that Oscar one day, keep the above formula in mind. It could help you out when you’re ready to accept that golden trophy.

How would you draft your Oscar speech? Let us know in the comments below.